Soy value has hit a two-week high of $9.25 per bushel. Let’s look at some of the market forces at work this week:
6.9 LEVEL SOYQUAKE IN PALM SPRINGS, CA
In a dramatic, soy fueled incident at a Palm Springs high school a girl’s water polo team was surprised to encounter a naked man in their locker room during practice. According to parents and coaches, he was happily showering inside the girl’s room and insisted it was no problem because he identified as female.
Police were called, but no arrests were made as no laws were broken due to California’s “gender neutral” restroom law. The law allows anyone to use the restroom facilities they identify with, and you don’t even have to wear a fucking wig or anything. This is real.
“What we need to do is make sure everyone feels comfortable in our pool.” said the Palm Springs City Manager. His solution to provide maximum comfort is to install a new unisex bathroom near the locker rooms in question. Surely, this will leave all parties involved happy and feeling safe.
SOY REPORTING TAKES A HIT
A devastating turn of events has almost gutted the entire Soy Journalism industry.The Huffington Post suddenly laid off multiple writers and triggered a mass firing tsunami that is splashing the entire internet. Buzzfeed has announced they are cutting 15% of their staff and axed entire news desks. Total industry casualties are said to be over 1000 and that number is expected to grow into next week.
The entire future of stories on tampons and headlines that end with “and why that’s a good thing” is now in doubt. If you are trying to wantonly slander conservatives living normal lives you are going to have to do it in your blog, for free. Just like you used to.
STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMEN DO STRONG INDEPENDENT THINGS IN CONGRESS
Watch out old white men! There’s a new kind of lawmaker in town!
Kyrsten Sinema, who is in no way as annoying as you might think someone who spells her name “Kyrsten” might be, is making a fashion splash in DC! As America’s first bisexual senator, she is making a special point to demonstrate class and a reverence for tradition when all eyes are on her. So far, she refused to swear in on a Bible and wore giant hooker boots to work. You go girl!
Not to be outdone, the first Muslim woman in congress (actually there was another one elected at the same time, but she doesn’t wear a hijab no headlines for her am I right?) Ilhan Omar is now getting all kinds attention after Fox News noticed she onceadvocated for 9 ISIS members from her home state to get out of jail early. She sent a letter to the judge sentencing them saying “A long-term prison sentence for one who chose violence to combat direct marginalization is a statement that our justice system misunderstands the guilty.” To be fair, joining ISIS from Minnesota is some pretty marginal shit. Almost as marginal as marrying your own brother and still getting elected to congress.
California Senator Kamala Harris has announced she’s running for president, and 86-year-old former San Francisco mayor Willie Brown immediately announced that they used to bone. And that he helped her political career. Because they were boning. Sen. Harris responded by calling it a “very painful experience”. Uh-oh, sounds like an imminent #MeTooing for Willie Brown! In any case, this marks an important historical shift – for the first time ever, a political career is in less danger from young pussy than from old dick.
There’re no brakes on the equality train!