FAKE NEWS: Man who Agrees with Pretty Much Everything Proudboy, Killed for Slight Differences

A Tale of Punching Right

…An angry crowd gathered:

“We don’t like your kind!”

“But taxation is theft” the man screamed.

It was around dusk outside a local castle.  “Please!  I can’t stand Hillary!!  Political correctness has to go!  I’m agreeing with you”.

“Can’t let it stand.  Just not right” said local strongman Big John Talbot.  “Yeah!  We’re Proud Boys, not PRIDE boys” chimed in a local dog groomer while the mob harrumphed in approval.

Perched atop the stone wall fighting for his life was a man in a pink t shirt and My Little Pony Hat.  You can smell his fear even over the smell of the burning torches on the crisp Kentucky night.

“Listen guys, I’m red pilled.  I voted for Trump. I watch Info Wars.” Begged the man.

“Shut up faggot!” Bellowed Big Joe Slade over the crowd.  This isn’t what we’re about.

The man insisted  “I have a wife.  Kids.  It’s just a hobby.”

“Boo” “Boo”  “Boo”.

“I venerate the house wife.  Glorify entrepreneur even.”

“Don’t you dare…” warned Big Meat Mastive.

“….I am a western chauvinist, who refuses to apologize for creating the modern world.”

“You’re sick in the head” chimed in a local spot welder, Big Thorn Toughberg as he carefully finished tying a rope into a noose, the right way, the first time.  The man was trembling.  The googly eyes on his horsy hat rattled.

“I can’t explain it, I just like the cartoon.  I started watching as a goof.  But it helps me focus.  Turns my brain off.  I like the colors.  It’s simple.  It’s what I watch when I’m not marathon YouTubing Crowder or Ben Shapiro.  I’m not gay or anything….”

“Hey!” shouted Big Steak Samson “We’re conservative but we have no problem with gays.  I fucking love Milo.”

“Right, right” the man’s voice shook with a glimmer of hope, “Milo.  Right.  We all like Milo.  It’s because we don’t play identities politics.  We don’t need to know all the categories someone fits into before deciding if their arguments are sound and their points are valid…”

The crowd paused for a moment.  You can hear them seething.  Slow quite breaths moved through heaving barrel chested bodies… one bigger the last.

“Maybe if you stopped.”  Suggested MMA legend Big Mug Mulligan.

“…. but the new season is only two weeks away.”

The crowd roared in a frenzy.  Anger, like bees they tighten the noose.  Some of them looked disgusted to even touch him and impatiently moved to get the deed over with.

“it’s not personal” offered Big Rick Manstrong “but what would happen if we let this faggortry persist.  I mean I’m pretty open minded, but when I see something I personally don’t understand, i just hear this buzzing noise and all your other opinions just get washed away.”

The man let out a breath.  “I guess I understand.  We like all the same things, agree and everything, and I even spent my life fighting for the things we all believe.  Freedom.  Letting people makes their own decisions… and mistakes.  Equal protection under the law.  Low taxes.  High opportunity.  And end to political correctness.  Jesus, what have i done.    My whole life all I wanted was to become a Catholic Priest…. serve God.  If it wasn’t for this one…. this sick fucking weakness…”

“He’s quoting Joe Pesci from JFK” said Regular Sized Dave “He’s stalling”.


Big Hank Rougherstien thought about it “I don’t know buddy.  I agree with most of everything you say.  You’re a good dude.  But that hat.  Its something only woman can wear”.

“No women could ever be a brony” the man glared “…they can only be pegasisters”

The crowd roared in disapproval.  The rope tighten as Big Earl Sandwhich and Big Ice Pickman pulled at the rope.  Right before his breath cut off it was said he uttered “I am a Proud Boy”.  Only Big Beef Bluski was close enough to hear.  The bells on his little purple shoes jingled as his feet stopped kicking.  The rope made his neck creek.

“He just didn’t hold up to our standards of masculinity.” assured Big Tank Pectoral.

“We had to” said Big Dick Danno “Otherwise other conservatives was gonna think we was cucks.”

“That’s right” sounded off Big Chomp Cutlet “if we stand up for something we don’t get, it’s just virtue signaling.  We can’t sincerely like someone AND disagree with them…. right?”  The mans body began to spin counter clockwise in the slight autumn breeze.

Big Chad Vascularity finally spoke up “His fucking hat looks like a fucking dick on his head”.

“What now?” Asked Big Slab Huntsman.

“Let’s go watch Gavin” Suggested Big Flex Cockstrong

“Yeah!” The crowd agreed.

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PawL BaZiLe

Written by PawL BaZiLe

Pawl is a film director and journalist living in New Jersey. Pawl is a fan of history and avid reader with a background in theater. He has used his debate skills to win over 30 Internet arguments. Pawl Bazile directed a punk rock documentary called “Living the American Nightmare” and is currently working on a motorcycle film called “Savage”. For Proud Boy Magazine, Pawl is in charge of digital media, new programming, and talent relations. He takes his coffee black. Follow him on Twitter @PawLBAZiLe.

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