FAKE NEWS – Trayvon Martin Declared 1st Man to Land on the Moon

Miracle Child of Florida Can’t be Held Down

5 year after his death Trayvon Martin continues to amaze us.  The “wonder kid” has officially been declared the first man to walk on the moon… posthumously of course.  The world stood in awe as it was decided by NASA young Trayvon (whose name Microsoft Word still refuses to acknowledge isn’t a spelling error) became the official first man on the moon, remarkably 26 years before he was born.  This came off the heels of Florida Memorial University planning on awarding Trayvon a posthumous  degree in aeronautical science in memory of his ambition to become a pilot before he was shot to death in 2012 (a thing he likely said maybe once, when he was 8).

Trayvon Martin, of course, was the young child-boy-teen who in 2012 saw a dangerous hobo spider on George Zimmerman’s face and tried to kill it with his fists in an unprecedented act of kindness.  Then saw the spider run to the back of Zimmerman’s head and tried to beat it to death into the concrete. 

“Thanks for the help, homo” Zimmerman was thought to say before gunning him down in cold blood.  “I know you’ve come to kill me. Shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man.” might have been Trayvon’s last words before being struck down by the assassins bullet.  Zimmerman is a man so racist, he spend his free time mentoring minority children and once raised money for a homeless black person who was assaulted, presumably to throw people off the scent so he could openly hunt “a black”.   Diabolical!

“Fuck Neil Armstrong” NASA representatives were heard to say, “just another old white guy anyway.  Aren’t there enough of those.  Trayvon could have done all that stuff, and more even.  The system was just rigged against him.  He was just walking home and he was shot.  He deserves to be the 1st on the moon.  Don’t our history books have enough white people?”

Hard to disagree with that.

Aging pop singer Cher recently weighed in on her how her feelings about Trayvon are just a little bit deeper than the rest of us.  The near 86 year old who became famous in the singing duet “Trayvon & Cher” has a picture of Trayvon at the foot of her bed, in a giant mansion built to the honor the lifestyle Trayvon could have lived , behind a high, locked gates to keep out 17 year old trespassers for fear one of them will try and steal her awesome shrine to Trayvon out of jealousy.   Cher could not be reached for further comment.

Not to be out done by Cher and Florida Memorial University’s righting of these long overdue wrongs, others have taken the queue.   Trayvon Martin is now posthumously the 1st to walk on the moon, a world famous architect,  the 11 time winner of the Stanley  Cup, the 1st president, the 1st BLACK president , an acrobat, a Nobel Prize Winner, 1996 Oscar Winner for best Director, winner of the Nathan’s annual hotdog eating contest, a neurosurgeon, the 1st person to fly across the Atlantic, a world class chef, sign language expert, guy who can bend spoons with his mind, bisexual, 4 time medal of honor recipient, dog walker, WWE Intercontinental Champion, licensed cosmetologist,  took Kate Upton’s virginity, earned an associate’s degree from Essex County College in animal husbandry, and then he cruised on down to Hawaii to jam with the Stones.  I feel better already.  The rest of us slackers appear to be dragging our feet.

The world we created is now more sensitive and aware than the way it used to be.  If we don’t like the way something is, it’s as simple as calling it something else.  Reality is complex and nuanced, “ain’t nobody got time for that!”.  Having 2 thoughts in your head at once makes it hurt.  Ouch.  Keep it simple: Boy.  Trayvon.  Shot.  Unarmed.  Boy, Black… Shooter not as black.  Must be a racist killing.  Therefore, diploma.  See?  Doesn’t that feel better??   Problem solved.  We’re good people.  I just hope Universities don’t run out of printer ink making posthumous degrees for all the angels shot in Chicago.

PawL BaZiLe

Written by PawL BaZiLe

Pawl is a film director and journalist living in New Jersey. Pawl is a fan of history and avid reader with a background in theater. He has used his debate skills to win over 30 Internet arguments. Pawl Bazile directed a punk rock documentary called “Living the American Nightmare” and is currently working on a motorcycle film called “Savage”. For Proud Boy Magazine, Pawl is in charge of digital media, new programming, and talent relations. He takes his coffee black. Follow him on Twitter @PawLBAZiLe.

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