The Friendzone

The friendzone, the DMZ of the love life. The dreaded purgatory, the feeling looms over you like a fat dick in a pixelated bukkaki video except there’s no happy ending (unless you’re gay, in which case, how the fuck are you in the friendzone you lazy bastard). This is a common struggle for the modern beta male that can leave him feeling helpless and frustrated, but not to worry, the remedy is much simpler than you’d expect.

It’s been said that being relegated to the friendzone is like going for a job interview, not getting the job, then being called continuously by the manager who didn’t hire you who proceeds to bitch about how bad his new hire is at his job. This would seem at face value to be a well thought out analogy, however, I would respectfully say you need to rethink your apathetic outlook on your current predicament. I put forth that the friendzone (in keeping with this analogy) is more like going for a job interview, not getting the job, but instead of going home, you come sit in the lobby everyday. You sit there hoping for the new hire to fuck up so you can readily take his place. The manager becomes more accustomed to you being around as a friend. He tells you to go grab coffee every now and then and (thinking you’re a friend) tells you about the daily grind, including minor fuck ups perpetrated by their new hire. You sadly sit around, doing favors, being available, but to no end…you’re nothing more than a useful “nice guy”. This is a social quagmire that will only pull you in more the longer you spend fooling yourself.

How it begins is simple, the female who has placed you in perpetual wank status is not into you. Either you don’t jive, or you weren’t a smooth operator. In talking to female friends, I’ve found that the most common reason for this is simple perception; they’ve perceived you as a “beta”, someone who lacks the confidence and charisma to close the deal or possibly even stir any interest. Now before you go getting emotional or otherwise down on yourself, remember one thing, you may not be a special little snowflake, but you’ve got the ability to improve and hone your abilities.

The first step to leaving the friendzone is easy; drop the bitch. If you’re being used, emotionally tossed around, treated like a door mat and not getting a peepee touch or working towards something solid at all, it’s not worth it. You will simply be used and cast aside at will. There will be no positive reckoning, it will drag on more awkwardly than Eric Andre doing shitty slam poetry at a feminist drum circle in the 4th week of Lilith Fair. A much simpler way to put it: Shit or get off the pot. Decisiveness is your best friend, especially if you wish to avoid the friendzone altogether.

Putting yourself out there in the dating scene is rarely easy, especially when you’re confronted with that “ideal girl”, just have the mindset of going in to win. Practice your approach, dress to impress, stand up straight and do the damn thing. If you feel like you’re not getting anywhere, employ the help of friends and use every possible tool at your disposal. Remember gentlemen, you’re confidence is key. Approach with determination, be decisive, be assertive, be respectful and above all else, be proud of your boy.

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