Why should I pretend I like
To roam from door to door
I guess that I’ll just kill myself
I just don’t care no more
I’m not satisfied
Everything I tried
I don’t like the way
Life has been abusing me

(Frank Zappa, “I’m Not Satisfied”)

I want to make the following case: there would be less suicides and suicide attempts if the State didn’t make the act a punishable offense. Making something illegal does little to make it disappear. OK, it actually does NOTHING to make it disappear. Look at drugs or prostitution. We all can get, take and sell drugs DESPITE what the law forbids. I know. I’ve done all three. I’ve also exchanged money for sex—well, just a footjob for $200, from a chick I found on Backpage.

And you know what other illegal activity I’ve done several times? Attempted suicide.

Suicide is often on my mind. I’m open about my mental health as a means of correcting the problem itself. I don’t romanticize it or use it as a fashion accessory… just so we’re clear (although I can predict now that all the criticisms I get for this piece will be from people who DID NOT read past the headline… I get the dumbest feedback on my articles).

There are countless posts on various social medial platforms, mainly Facebook, that are self-serving. They appeal to a need to feel like they’re helping by urging others to seek help if they’re feeling suicidal. But what these armchair psychiatrists don’t realize is that by asking for help you’re also admitting to a crime.

What happens when a drug dealer gets robbed? What happens when a sex worker gets assaulted? They sure as shit can’t go to the cops! This created a climate of fear as well as an adversarial relationship between those in need or real help and those who are here to “serve and protect.” This shouldn’t be read as an anti-cop statement by the way, but as an anti-government statement. Or in more palatable terms, a libertarian argument.

Why talk about suicide here and on this website? I think it’s important since suicides rates are on the rise.


Since Cultural Marxism has had several decades to spread, we now live in a world that is removed from God and patriotism. The idea of a Christian God giving your life purpose and meaning now seems like a foreign concept. Schools, under government guidelines, have tricked us into believing their twisted narrative that our country is racist, sexist, and whatever “ist” is currently the naughtiest. To really drive it home, academia and entertainment have zeroed in on straight white males, making them culpable for most of the world’s transgressions. It comes as no surprise they made up SEVENTY percent of suicides in the US in 2016!

Cultural Marxism has created a godless vacuum. I feel humans inherently need to believe in something higher than themselves. In a society that’s stepped away from Christian principals one begins to see life as pointless. The idea of family becomes undermined, not just through divorce but with fewer and fewer people getting married and even less having children. I’m not saying that marriage-and-kids cures suicidal thoughts. I’m just presenting the readily verifiable idea that by meddling with tradition with no plan B you can easily lose grasp on the beauty of life. We’re also committing cultural suicide by not reproducing. For more on that read Death of the West.

Suicide is made to look appealing too, a romantic act. How many people idolize Ian Curtis and Kurt Cobain? (Too many, Joy Division aren’t as good as Modern English. And Nirvana are gay.) I’m guilty of doing this, too. One of my favorite TV moments is when Doug Stanhope played suicidal comic, Eddie on an episode of Louie. 

What keeps me from killing myself. Honestly I’m a huge pussy, so there’s that. But a very close second is spite. There a lot of people that would openly celebrate my death and champion it as some sort of victory. By staying alive and continuing to produce content I’m delivering them a meteor-sized FUCK YOU!

I know that when compared to God and country, spite seems weak and petty. Baby steps. Better to stick around than to hand over the victory without a fight.

Alex is on Twitter @AlexClarkCaprio


Alex Caprio

Written by Alex Caprio

New Jersey, former musician and stand up comedian with a degree in English. He can also make a better eggplant parm than your Grandma. Follow him on Twitter @alexclarkcaprio.

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