Donkeys: And the Men Who Fuck Them

Give Up the Goats

“A man is still considered pure when he releases his lust with a sheep or goat. If there is no woman, there is no lust or sexual sin. Then the animal becomes “tainted” and must die ! So says the Prophet Mohammad.” (Dr. Zakir Naik, a noted Quranic scholar)


Attention! Are you a lonely male in the Middle East that’s looking for some action? Do you believe women are human garbage? Have all the cute boys grown up and are now men? Well the answer is simple my friends, just call any goat and tell them how you feel and make your night instantly better!

Wait, Alex, are you actually talking about fucking goats!?!

Yes, I am. This isn’t something that I just made up or some cultural trope used to make light of Muslims, it’s a real thing happening today. It seems that in the mystical land of sand and hummus, there is a cultural phenomenon of men getting it on with the fairer species. According to my source overseas it’s a common occurrence and my source has also conveyed to me that he has orders to not get involved when he catches the bestiality in action. Kind of a drag right? You get deployed and you can’t join in the fun your enemies are having. Here’s a video of a date ending well.

It used to be when the idea of “goat fucking” was somehow crowbared into a conversation, it almost always was in the context of heavy metal and Satan. But when a Muslim hears the band Goatwhore, they use hear a good time. The Satanic angle is one I’m easily able to grasp since it’s a blasphemous move to spite God.

And the fucking animals within punk rock could still be comical, but leave it to the Muslims to have zero sense of humor about anything.

With most things that are fringe, I need to do mental gymnastics in order to put myself in the mind of a man that wants to have sex with an animal (or even Leslie Jones). It’s not like there’s an online community full of testimonials with people dishing out tips on how to meet goats and how to sweet talk them into some coitus… I’m sure because it’s illegal. And sure, we all have our deviant, perverted side (me and Dave Chappelle share one) so I try to create a fetish moral relativism, trying to not pass judgment on what people do to get off. When I do that in this case it plays out like this…

Again, I’m wearing my Western Culture glasses and not looking at this from the perspective of someone who has grown up in a place where inbreeding is the norm, 100% of the cultural narrative revolves around a single religious text and your chances of being medically “retarded” are higher than most. In America we have areas like Appalachia that have a reputation for inbreeding, but when I look at photos of them, they don’t seem like that bad people. I’d rather spend a day with this

Than this

Both have the sex with animals albatross around their neck, but where making fun of one is socially acceptable, the other will classify you as an Islamaphobe. So to beat you all to the punch, yes, I am an Islamophobe – now you have to take the time out of your day to construct an insult towards me.

But really, fuck the goats – and by “fuck” I mean the hell with them…

Animals, UNLIKE humans, don’t have rights. There is no Constitution or Bill of Rights for non humans, so they’re not protected. The laws on the books, at least in the US, pertaining to bestiality are there mainly for health and moral reasons. If the argument is having sex with animals is wrong because of “consent” then you’ve set yourself up to be painted into a catechistic corner. If consent from the animal is needed for one practice, then it would be needed for ALL practices involving animals, which would include eating them, wearing them, keeping them as pets and parading them around. In that respect, there’s nothing technically wrong with men banging goats, other than it being gross and a reflection of you as a shitty person… sort of like “feminist porn.”

I can’t really be in defense of goat fucking, but I can when it comes to making fun of dumb broads that clock themselves in feminism.

Hell, maybe then men of the Middle East have seen our Samantha Bees and Amy Schumers  and have opted to hook up with goats out of desperation and spite? Pictured below is an Arab (or some sort of brown) man wishing he was with a goat instead of a shrieking cunt.

Going back to Dr. Zakir Naik, there are two conditions for fornicating with wildlife:

  1. The sheep or goat must be killed afterwards because it is now tainted
  2. The meat cannot be eaten by the people in that particular village though it can be sold to a neighboring village

In a blind taste test, 9 out of 10 Muslims couldn’t taste the difference between goat meat that had been sodomized versus the meat that hadn’t. But the great doctor got his conditions from Ayatolla Khomeini:

“A man can have sex with animals such as sheep, cows, camels and so on. However he should kill the animal after he has his orgasm. He should not sell the meat to the people in his own village, however selling the meat to the next door village should be fine.”  – From Khomeini’s book, Tahrir al-Vasyleh, fourth volume, Darol Elm, Gom, Iran, 1990 (Source)

When your God, government and religious leaders all give you the A-OK to bust a nut in a buck, who am I condone it? Just stay the fuck out of my country.

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Alex Caprio

Written by Alex Caprio

New Jersey, former musician and stand up comedian with a degree in English. He can also make a better eggplant parm than your Grandma. Follow him on Twitter @alexclarkcaprio.

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