What’s more manly than finger-whistlin’ to the boys to put the axe-throwing target practice on hold because the steaks and meats on the barbecue are rare and rarin’ to go? Not a goddamn thing, that’s what. Wearing sandals? Calling yourself a feminist?
C’mon, fucking guy. We’re in the land of bikinis and Budweiser! The American Man is a distinct, honorable specimen of humanity who deserves his rightfully earned kudos.
But what exactly constitutes the American Man? Strength, power, courage, and prowess come to mind. That’s what the American Man is at his core. He’s brawny with a commanding certitude and able to do anything he puts his mind to. Gumption, baby! This is especially important to keep in mind when male feminists spew bullshit about inanities like toxic masculinity.
Weightlifting is the number one activity that defines the American Man. It’s the epitome of overcoming life’s obstacles and when you get good at it you look totally gnar-gnar shredded, bro. When a man lifts he feels like he can conquer anything. He turns sideways to walk through doors. He can split the sea and still have time for his ole lady. Dudes, there’s just something about throwing the weight of a truck above your body. It yells out to the world I can take on anything!
Through focused determination and hard work, any guy can boost their man-levels—a lesson that every boy should learn in his early years. The gains earned from weightlifting are precisely that—they’re earned. They’re not handed out like a welfare check. They’re doled out by dropping down and giving 20.
There’s no distribution program to take the gains from Mr. Olympia Phil Heath in order to pass them down to that skinny too-old-to-be-a-hipster 30-something year-old guy that still wears ironic trucker hats. Nobody’s going bust themselves pumping their guns at the gym just so some other guy who stays home reading Pitchfork, pretending to play the guitar, can reap the benefits.
It’s not easy to exert your body day in, day out. Not easy to be a man. It’s not for everyone—but for those that rise to the occasion, they know what it feels like—it feels like the essence of the American heartland.
A good workout allows you to put your body into motion like a bona fide American Man should. He was made to get his hands dirty. The American Man used to wake up at the crack of fuck with the rooster calling. He’d then head out to work the fields until his calluses were as big as his spirit.
America maintains its strength through this morale. It’s been the country’s men that have taxed their bodies and put themselves out there in times of need while the women stayed back and tenderly nurtured the family. Men have historically been the backbone of the country and have equipped it to continue the great American Experiment.
Nowadays this sort of burly excellence is hard to come by. We’re living in a time when a man rarely evolves into the traditional man of yesteryear. Instead, so many potential men are sleeping in, playing video games and calling themselves feminists. Not to mention jerking off to porn compulsively. Gross.
With the Stihl Timbersports championship and CrossFit games recently behind us we were shown examples of what the American Man does best: kickin’ ass and takin’ names. Events like that are essential for demonstrating the dynamo abilities of the American Man. It pulls him into the spotlight to remind everyone that they can move the world.
We also can’t forget about the mental aspect. American men aren’t just immovable masses of muscle, ladies. Chivalry is not dead and their intellectual hunger for an honest day’s work is what drives them to reach the top ranks of society’s food chain.
If you find yourself lacking in manly aptitude and want to grow into a man, then do as men do. Throw spiral football passes, deadlift more than everyone, admire different types of wood, crush books, ride motorcycles, grow a mustache, wear suits, and open doors for broads. And that’s just a shortlist! The American Man is neither glib nor shallow. They’re hard as nails and they’ll tell you like it is.