ENOUGH WITH THE RALLIES, ALREADY!

Can we stop with all the rallies, please? Rallies are gay and serve no other purpose than to give the media fodder for whatever narrative they’re pushing. When I see people rallying I always think, “Don’t you have jobs?” They look fucking boring. I hear other Proud Boys sometimes wanting to organize their own rallies for free speech, the Second Amendment, men’s rights, or what-have-you…

Spare me.

Antifa rallying during recess.

Rather than getting the boys together in some park to lecture the public while dodging Antifa-thrown rocks, batteries, and piss-bottles, I suggest a better approach.

Look, most people have already made up their minds about the Proud Boys. When it comes to convincing anyone we’re not the “bad guys” (Nazis/fascists/Alt Right), that ship has long since sailed. We live in a time when EVERYTHING right wing is considered Alt Right, which is as frustrating as someone saying the Beatles are exactly like Slayer because they’re both rock ‘n’ roll. The right is multifaceted, and WE know that. But THEY refuse to understand that.

So fuck ’em—they can SAY whatever they want about us. They can’t take away our ability to have fun, goddamn it! Time to forget about rallies and return to our Proud Boy roots (although it feels odd using that terminology about a movement just barely a year old). Let’s have some fucking fun!

When Proud Boys began it was presented as a goofy men’s club à la No Ma’am or the Stonecutters. Let’s leave rallies for the squares, fags (both actual gays and Antifa), and feminists, while we—the beer-guzzlin’ disgustin’ pigs we are—do something caa-ray-zee!

Here are my ideas:

1 – PROUD BOY SEXY CAR WASH

Initially this was Gavin’s idea—a Proud Boy sexy car wash. The first idea would be to have all of us wearing belly shirts and short shorts. We’d raise money for suicide awareness and treatment for men. It was later proposed for our good-looking members, of which (let’s be frank) there aren’t that many. Either way, it NEVER HAPPENED. I love the idea of Proud Boys publicly not giving a fuck while doing something positive.

2 – PROUD BOY LUAU

After Charlottesville, Tiki torches are banned EXCEPT if you’re throwing a luau, preferably one with a pig rotating over a fire and Boyd Rice making Jell-O molds. I think about our grandparents’ generation. They were all about BBQs and Hawaiian-themed shit. I never got to experience that. And I since we’re the architects of our destiny (something my dad told me in a dream after he died) we should just make it happen.

3 – PROUD BOY BAKE SALE

Who says bake sales are strictly for little girls and moustachioed libertarians trying to make a point about affirmative action? Baking is easy, which is why little girls seem to excel at it. If little Samantha and Betty can make a tray of brownies then I’m sure most us can make dessert while blasted on Adderall and Miller High Life (speaking from experience).

Got your own ideas? Make ’em known in the comments!

Follow Alex on Instagram @AlexClarkCaprio


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Written by Alex Caprio

Alex Caprio

New Jersey, former musician and stand up comedian with a degree in English. He can also make a better eggplant parm than your Grandma. Follow him on Twitter @alexclarkcaprio.

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