Would Homer Simpson Join the Proud Boys?

Marge would thank us for #NoWanks

Born in the 80s and raised by the 90s, everything I know about everything I learned by watching the Simpsons. Reruns, over and over—every day after school (followed by Fresh Prince of Bel-Air). Fuck, my friend Pete and I even used to call each other on the stationary telephone (no kid had a cellphone in ’97) and quiz each other with Simpsons trivia like the giant 10-year-old nerds we were.

“What’s Patty and Selma’s apartment number?”

“Uh, 7426?”

“No, you stupid idiot. It’s 7436!”

When I think: Proud Boys, my mind instantly cross-references the Stonecutters. So last night I rewatched ‘Homer the Great’ (Season 6, Episode 12), about a secret fraternal society called the Stonecutters—lampooning the Freemasons. They were much less exclusive than us very non-secret Proud Boys—to be a Stonecutter you need to be the son of a Stonecutter or save the life of a Stonecutter.

Watch this:

See, they’re not actually about “split[ting] the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth.” That’s a superficial (but sacred and necessary) veneer rooted in their traditions. What it’s really about is playing ping-pong and drinkin’ Bud wit da boyz.

And when the mainstream media takes the Proud Boys 2nd-degree cereal punch-in too seriously, they completely miss the point.

Look how Number One here premises Homer’s initiation with an ominous tone, only to have Moe offset that solemnity with the levity of the initiation itself.

These are simply bros bro-in’ down. So are we.

Homer finally feels like he belongs. Marge tells him one night, “a man who called himself “you know-who” just invited you to a secret “wink-wink” at the “you-know-what.” Homer replies, “Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It’s wonderful, Marge. I’ve never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.”

The many technical differences between the Stonecutters and the Proud Boys aside, the spirit of drunken fraternal fraternizing underlies both.

It makes me think: fuck everything negative the mainstream media says about us. Fuck going to rallies, too. Fuck politics completely for half-a-second. Fuck many things, except ourselves (#NoWanks).

This should be about having fun.

Let’s put down the protest sign and pick up the paddle—play some ping-pong, ya ding-dongs!



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Greg Pike

Written by Greg Pike

Greg Pike. Canadian. 3rd Degree. Credits: Noisey, VICE, Cult MTL, Thought Catalog, Street Carnage, Weird Canada, CTV Television, others. Influences: Gary Rogers (Thrasher's Skateline), Danny McBride (everything that man touches). 2019: book.

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