Three Simple Rules for Immigrants

….So you wanna be an American?

I work and have worked with immigrants, maybe they’re here legally, maybe not – I’m not here to investigate. When immigration became the central issue of Trump’s campaign Americans collectively said “FUCKING FINALLY.” I’m an Americans first kind of guy; I know that America is less than 5% of the entire world’s population and HALF of the globe lives on less than $2.50 a day – so it would be completely understandable that a lot of people would want to come the best country ever.

Ideally I would like that 95% to stay the fuck out of my country, but I also have eyeballs and I know that people are still coming in and setting up shop in the great US of A. “I don’t need to be a global citizen because I’m blessed by nationality” (Bad Religion). I also get that Millennials are FUCKING USELESS and if you want anything done that involves tedious, manual labor then you need an immigrant to do the job quickly and cheap. I will concede that yes, we can use your help, but I have three very reasonable conditions for anyone that wants to abandon their own country’s sinking ship and climb aboard.


ONE: Speak English
I know English isn’t America’s official language by law, but 80% of this country considers it their first / only language. If you’re making the decision to move to a new a country, then it’s ON YOU to learn the language of wherever you’re moving. The idea with coming to America is that you want to be an American; your home country failed you and you dumped her. You don’t start a new relationship with all the baggage of the last – that’s just rude. These little pockets of foreign only residents (like Chinatown, Greenpoint or all of Los Angeles) are a “fuck you” to America. It says you want all the perks of being here (which I will get to in point two) but you don’t want to contribute to it. Immigrants of the past WANTED to be Americans with all the baseball, apple pie and rock and roll throw in the mix. In the time it takes to plan your move and whatnot, you can dedicate yourself to speaking our language. If that’s too much of you then stay the fuck in your shitty home.

I can’t stress the importance of assimilation enough – your cultural identity is only genetic, you’re an American now, start acting like one.


TWO: You’re not allowed any welfare.
I’m anti welfare as it is for Americans, let alone for someone who isn’t from here and has NEVER paid into the system. According to one right wing site, 51% of immigrants use welfare (Ann Coulter says it’s only 15%). Either way, NO – you don’t get to come here and leech of our generous social programs. If you’re coming here it’s to bust your ass, just like our Hindu friends that dominate the average annual income over all other foreign and native born citizens. The idea of accepting foreigners is that they will do the jobs that American’s won’t (or refuse to do for that cost). Under that condition, if you are here, you are here to WORK and not collect a check from the government – which is just money that’s been hijacked from someone that HAS A JOB! It’s a fucking mess, and we need to get over the fear of being labeled racist since no matter what we on the right say to criticize welfare or immigration we’ll be called the R word.

I’m avoiding the crime part of immigration because I apply that to EVERYONE – but it’s a doozy all the crime statistics attributed to illegal and legal immigrants.


THREE: Don’t be an ingrate
Nothing grinds my gears more than to hear a foreign born bitch and moan about how horribly racist and terrible this country is. My first thought is always “THEN FUCKING LEAVE!” Nobody forced you to come here and I already established that 95% of the world would love to have what America has to offer. Plus, America has something almost no other country has, freedom of speech! You live in a place where you can be openly critical of the government, the police, the church or any other figures of authority and you are PROTECTED! That is a very unique Western value and don’t come here from your turd world hell hole where you can be executed for showing the slightest sign of dissent and get all feet stomping, breath holding when you don’t get what you want.

You also now live in a place that runs on a meritocracy as opposed to a Caste system, in where if you bust your ass and don’t waste your money on stupid shit you have a very high probability of financial success. Try doing that in almost any non-Western country and see how far you get before the government takes all your earnings. Make sure you smile as it happens too.

That’s it – just three rules for those that want to play for Team America. There’s other little things here, like our ball busting sense of humor, our liberal use of racial epithets, and we like to eat out chicks too (apparently that’s only a white guy things – I guess all foreigners are fags).

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Written by Alex Caprio

Alex Caprio

New Jersey, former musician and stand up comedian with a degree in English. He can also make a better eggplant parm than your Grandma. Follow him on Twitter @alexclarkcaprio.

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