THANKSGIVING IS RACIST

This Thanksgiving as you stuff your face with roasted turkey and cranberry sauce, know this: Your holiday perpetuates the glorification of the death of, like, a billion Native Americans. Oh, and your country is a lie and your existence is rape!

Just kidding.

For my follow-up “man on the street” segment for Get Off My Lawn, I went out with Pawl Bazile and Franklin Wright to Williamsburg, Brooklyn to ask people if we should abolish Thanksgiving. A week before the holiday seemed timely enough to throw this question at unsuspecting residents of America’s hipster capital.

I went into the day expecting to hear things that would sound like my opening paragraph. Hell, we even started our segment in front of a fucking Whole Foods, thinking we’ll only get insane lefties.

And you know what boys and girls—I was wrong! Overwhelmingly, the response to the question “Should we abolish the holiday Thanksgiving?” was met with NO! Even in the bluest part of NYC people love the holiday. They love the food. They love seeing their family. They love the American TRADITION of Thanksgiving! Great! That was going to be my argument for DEFENDING Thanksgiving in my planned article…

Even the handful of hardcore liberals we talked to all still wanted to keep Thanksgiving as a holiday but with the additional caveat of “education” about the “correct history” of European colonization. As if America is the only country in history that was formed out of intense conflict.

Websites like Salon and Vox, as well as academics, are painting an inaccurate picture of Americans and Thanksgiving. I purposefully chose Brooklyn to get looney tunes answers from blue-haired feminists and cucked out soy boys—but even THEY support Thanksgiving.

Color me impressed!

The bloggers and egghead professors live and work in a bubble. They don’t venture outside their comfort zone and engage with people like I do. They supposedly think and speak for us, but they’re so far off base that they’re playing a different sport.

Why do they hate Thanksgiving? It has NOTHING to do with history. It has EVERYTHING to do with sabotage, and treating American culture like it’s a game of Jenga. By removing the cores of our values (the family in this case) you can topple our whole American way of life and replace it with Marxism. This is Frankfurt School 101.

In order to shift a country into Communism, you can do it by force. By killing everyone who disagrees with you the “utopia” is possible. History shows that this bloody approach has led to Communism’s death toll of over 100 million. The other more subtle and longer term tactic is to erode the culture by making core American values irrelevant. Go after Christianity with secularism. Attack the family by promoting divorce. Make marriage mean nothing by legalizing gay marriage. Most importantly, make people feel GUILTY for being American. (If they’re white, transform them into ethnomasochists.)

Holidays are a good target for the left since they’re one of the few remaining unifiers of American culture. DO NOT say “Merry Christmas”—DO say “Happy Holidays.” Don’t celebrate Halloween without going through a series of self-checks and balances to ensure some hypothetical and humorless minority’s feelings won’t get hurt—not to mention the feelings of white knights offended on their behalf.

And don’t you dare celebrate Columbus Day because as one chap I interviewed said “Columbus was a rapist!” (That’s offensive, by the way—he’s being a total rapistist.)

I wrapped up talking to people with a sense of hope for this country. Maybe the Trump Effect is finally hitting Americans. We want our turkey. We want our football. We want out pumpkin pie. And we want to be with our family!

To all the lefties that want to take away our holidays, culture and turn this country into a socialist hellscape, I say GET STUFFED!

Follow Alex on Twitter @AlexClarkCaprio


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Written by Alex Caprio

Alex Caprio

New Jersey, former musician and stand up comedian with a degree in English. He can also make a better eggplant parm than your Grandma. Follow him on Twitter @alexclarkcaprio.

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