GETTING FIRED WORKS

I believe there is no greater insult to a man’s dignity than getting fired. Far worse than a breakup. All at once your rug is yanked out from under you. Panic begins. How am I going to pay the bills? How am I going to feed my children? How am I going to SURVIVE?

Allow yourself a maximum of a good FIVE minutes of freaking the fuck out, following which you better get your unemployed ass in gear because life is about to get really difficult.

But is it?

I’ll share about the last two times I was fired, and how my entrepreneurial spirit and drive led me to being both way more successful and a fuck of a lot happier.

For seven years I worked at hipster conglomerate, Urban Outfitters. At the time, 2006, it was my first job out of college. While my peers were taking multiple adjunct jobs and struggling to make ends meet, I landed a cushy full-time gig that paid well while providing health benefits and a 401K.

It got old, and so did I.

Urban Outfitters is, in part, how I got introduced to Gavin McInnes. For months I’d see his bearded mug gracing the cover of How to Piss in Public on the book display in the front of the store.

I could feel my life being pissed away in public as I spent more and more of my 20s in that retail zoo. I took it very seriously the last year or so I was there in hopes of moving up the ranks to corporate. I figured if I was working in an office I wouldn’t feel as much of a loser than if I was working a fitting room in my 30s. I was trained by my district manager to be able to run my own store. Unfortunately—or maybe FORTUNATELY—the district manager who followed was offended by my aggressive sales technique (which had been encouraged by his predecessor).

Let’s just say this guy wasn’t a fan of Alex Caprio.

In the last TWO weeks I was employed I received FIVE disciplinary write-ups, exceeding the minimum requirement for my termination. The last one, which was the most egregious in their opinion, was for this photo.

When I was brought into the office and fired, I gave that faggot homo Charles (the DM) my keys and skipped home while catching falling gum drops and only stopping to kiss newborns and puppies. I filed for my unemployment (something they would later fight and continue even today to harass me for reimbursement) and thought about what I was going to do with the rest of my life.

My father had passed away a little over a month earlier and my perspective on life had changed, drastically. I took getting fired and losing my shitbox apartment as a good thing. My dad above was going, “Get the fuck out of there!” I spent five months traveling, making ends meet by landscaping and eventually getting a gig as a dishwasher. The dishwasher job was the domino that lead me to my career today.

That was a well-handled firing.

This next one was little more annoying.

I was working in Jersey City, but not to my potential or talent. I was getting dicked around by the hipster management and I was slowly becoming more depressed and miserable with where my life and career were heading. Then Antifa stuck its kid-fucking, communist-loving, “Nazi”-punching head into my life.

As written in a few of my older articles, Antifa put its cross hairs on my gorgeous face and started bombarding my job’s Yelp and Facebook with comments about my alleged “Nazism.” My employers eventually capitulated and let me go with claims of “payroll shortages.” Once they fired me, Trump stepped down as President of the United States and racism officially ceased to be.

Imagine that?

I was furious! Those commie faggots fucking got me! I wanted to get them all fired from their jobs but none of them work! The degenerate junkie pedophiles had got me into check, but not checkmate. 

Boyd Rice once wrote in either “No” or “Twilight Man” about the homeless. I apologize for my serious paraphrasing, but I read these books a while ago, I don’t own them and they’re both out of print. He said you had to be real piece of shit to be homeless. You burned every possible bridge in your life where when you’re on the street and starving, no one wants to help you. (Sounds like my mom.) I had built a nice network of friends and family that were ready to help with whatever I needed to get by after suddenly losing my job. Hell, even my landlord at the time let me use my security to cover a month of rent while I looked for work.

After working a job I hated for three months I took a gamble and moved to work at a much better place, the best one yet, where I now live near my family and have a sweet apartment one block from the beach.

If I wasn’t fired from Urban Outfitters I might still be there. If I wasn’t fired from White Star in Jersey City I might still be there and still getting underpaid and not advancing my career.

Getting fired fucking sucks, but you need to a take a Kierkegaardian approach and look at your suffering as a way toward becoming a better person. And if the thoughts of a Christian existentialist are too heady for you, I’ll leave you with something written by modern philosopher Amiri “Chevy Silver-Ray-Doe” King:

“Welcome to life.

This part is called ‘paying your dues.’

I was sleeping in apartment breezeways at your age.

Don’t suffer through this moment.

ENJOY IT.

This is the shit that is going to MOLD you into a fire-breathing maniac.

If you want a job?

Go beg for one.

Tell them nobody needs this job more than you.

You’ll work for half the pay.

You are on the proving grounds right now son.

You have zero credibility.

It’s YOUR mission to start EARNING it ASAP.

Once people trust you, rely on you, and can depend on you…

You’ll have the keys to your own destiny.

Because no one will ever question your integrity…

And the PowerBall ain’t got shit on integrity.

Now.

Get on your fucking feet, tear the filter off your cigarette, and make life your bitch.

Pray every day… Every hour.

But don’t ask God for shit. Ever. Just thank him for what you have.

Because though times are hard for you right now…

I know people that would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

Make me proud.”

Alex has not yet been fired via Twitter @AlexClarkCaprio


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Written by Alex Caprio

Alex Caprio

New Jersey, former musician and stand up comedian with a degree in English. He can also make a better eggplant parm than your Grandma. Follow him on Twitter @alexclarkcaprio.

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