5 Reasons Al Bundy Would’ve Been a Proud Boy

Al Bundy: loving father, faithful husband, full-time employee—and for some reason, also the blithering buffoon of TV sitcom Married… with Children. Why are so many hard-working, bread-winning television fathers portrayed as incompetent idiots? Is there a deep-seated conspiracy among Hollywood elites to destroy the nuclear family? Maybe it’s because most lefties have daddy issues (see: 2016 US presidential election).

In any case, Al loved Big ‘Uns Magazine, beer, sports, and his family. Although there’s no shortage of factors that would’ve led him to joining the Proud Boys, I’ve whittled them down to five.  

1 – HE ESSENTIALLY WAS IN THE PROUD BOYS

NO MA’AM (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood) was a men’s only drinking club formed in reaction to rabid feminists shutting down their men’s bowling night. The Proud Boys are a men’s only beer drinking club created as a result of rapacious feminists shutting down any and all male-oriented fun. NO MA’AM would meet once or twice a month to discuss politics, drink beer and play sports. The Proud Boys meet once or twice a month to drink beer, talk politics and play sports.

I’m starting to wonder if we are in danger of copyright infringement.

To be initiated into NO MA’AM you have to recite a pledge. To gain your 1st degree in the Proud Boys you have to recite a pledge. After the pledge into NO MA’AM you will show loyalty by chugging beers until you puke. Proud Boys also chug beers until puking, but this is purely coincidental. The similarities are staggering. NO MA’AM even had a rival group FANG (Feminists Against Neanderthal Guys). Proud Boys have Antifa (sadly, FANG seems like a more worthy adversary).

2 – FAMILY MAN

His children were walking nightmares. His wife was an unemployed, lazy, unmotivated hole in his wallet. But heaven help you if you dared insult anyone in the Bundy clan. Al was the star quarterback at Polk High School, where he still holds the record for most touchdowns in a single game (4). That performance, in the State Championship no less, yielded plenty of colleges clammering to award him a full athletic scholarship. However, all of that was derailed after his high school sweetheart informed him that she was pregnant. He could’ve ran off to a different state and left Peggy to her own devices. But no—he didn’t hesitate to drop everything, get a job, and provide for his family. This is a recurring theme in Al’s life: his willingness to put aside his own joy for the betterment of his family. Opportunities to be unfaithful arose, but he never strayed. He understood the importance of the nuclear family, as do the Proud Boys.

3 – BEER

Now I know not all Proud Boys like to tip ’em back. Some are clean and sober. Al loved beer, and a large percentage of us PBs love PBRs. But like I mentioned, we do have some sober boys in the group. I’d hate to spend too much time describing a crisp, cool, refreshing Budweiser, and send someone off the wagon. Next thing you know they’re burying hookers in a field somewhere. So, I’ll move on.

4 – SPORTS

Who the hell doesn’t like sports? It speaks to our most animal instinct—wanting to hit things and proving we’re better than other people. Al lived in Chicago so he had da Bears, da Bulls, da Blackhawks, da Cubs, and da White Sox, to watch at any given time throughout the year. That’s the beauty of professional sports, really—they never end. There’s always something on to use as an excuse to avoid that thing the wife is nagging about.

But he didn’t just sit on his ass and watch sports. He bowled, shot pool, played beer-league softball, and relished in the glories of his past high school football career.

5 – THE NUDIE BAR  

“Where the beer gives you gas, but the Bundy’s kick ass… at the nudie bar.”

Some people might equate the nudie bar to porn… and porn leads to wanking… and there are pretty strict rules on that kind of think in the Proud Boys (wink, wink… wank, wank). But those people usually have never even been to a strip club.

In my experience it’s usually just a group of friends having drinks with the added bonus of topless women dancing nearby. Al used it for something different entirely. He would go to ‘The Jiggly Room’ to get his libido all worked up so he could please his wife. Despite her not being terrible on the eyes, she could no longer pique Al’s interest in the bedroom due to her incessant complaining and general lack of interest in him other than when she’d been reading some romance novel.

That’s Al Bundy in a nutshell. He enjoyed the simple pleasures every man enjoys: a cold beer, a game on the tube, and a night out with the boys. But he also realized that at the end of the day, it’s all about family and who you come home to. Nothing was more important to Al. Nothing is more important to the Proud Boys, as well.

@ProudBoysKansas


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