4 RED FLAGS WHEN IT COMES TO BROADS

Hey girl don’t you realize
The money invested in you
Hey girl you just got to find
Someone who’ll really pull your family through
Up and up she goes
Our Amanda Jones
The Rolling Stones

Everyone wants to date a model—until they date a model. This is a cautionary tale of sorts. One that showcases both strength and poor reasoning.

Quick note before we begin: unlike my article about my mother, my ex-girlfriend WOULD seek legal action for talking about her. So I’m not naming her. But anyone with two brain cells to rub together can figure out who she is.

Falling in love with your archetypical woman isn’t hard. In my case it’s Bettie Page. Falling in love with a woman who rips her off (and yet claims to NOT be a fan) is even easier.

But how does someone like me, late 20s, working dead end jobs in retail, landscaping and then in a kitchen in New Jersey capture the attention of their ideal lady who lives 3000 miles away? No idea… but I did. I’d been following her career on Tumblr for two years and almost out of nowhere she made a move on me. In the span of a couple months I went from fan to friend to boyfriend.

It seemed surreal, and other big things happening in my life at the time all seemed really insignificant. After months of trips between the two of us I rolled the dice and sold everything I owned and moved in with her near my least favorite place in the world, Los Angeles.

There’s a sense of real accomplishment here. I somehow stood out among her 10K followers and she fell in love with me. But, being privy to how disgusting of a human being she actually is would leave most of her fans with a bad taste in their mouth. I admit I was so blinded by her beauty that I not only ignored many red flags, but I also commented on how pretty the shade of red was on all these flags. I let my dick and ego get the better of me. Yeah, this is MY GIRLFRIEND! Yeah! FUCK YOU! I WIN!

Goddammit!

I’m writing this to let you guys know of a few red flags to watch out for when it comes to broads.

FLAG ONE

She has no friends. Now I understand being an antisocial type, but even the more famous ones like Jim Goad still has people in his life that he cares for and also care about him. But having no friends shows a specific kind of sociopathic narcissism that paints a perfect picture of one’s lack of decency and character. One of the few friends she had was this model, whom I heard nothing but shitty things. Another friend she made while we dated was a booker for various burlesque shows in North Hollywood, and again, the level of shit-talking my girlfriend spewed toward someone responsible for booking her was pretty unappealing.

FLAG TWO

No work ethic. Once I was part of her life and was working close to 80 hours a week AND was paying ALL the bills, she stopped taking paying work and did even more work for free or trade. Plus she was an asshole about it. I’d go to work, she’d stay home and drink all my booze and get high and would be passed out after I got home after a 15-hour day. I think if I knew about #NoWanks back then it might’ve hurt my situation, causing me to only postpone the inevitable.

FLAG THREE

Her mother. Just like you can tell everything you need to know about a man by looking how he treats his mom, you can see your future with a chick by hanging out with her mom. She was a bitter man-hating cunt with herpes. Not to mention one of the stupidest people I’ve ever met (and I’ve hung out with Joey Southside from The Banner!)

FLAG FOUR

In vino veritas. Talk about a nasty drunk. Charles Murray talks about warning signs when looking for a wife, one of them is if they cut deep with low blows like “you’ll never have your father’s approval.” Doug Stanhope also talks about this—”she brings up your brother’s suicide.” I’ve never seen a more sadistic brat than when my girlfriend drank, which was OFTEN! This wasn’t the kind of drinking normal people do to unwind, this was on “I hate myself” levels of consumption.

But don’t feel sorry for her.

She had no real trauma in her past. Her dad was a great guy. She had anything she wanted growing up. There was no major abuse other than from her mom raising her to be a sponge. She lucked out  by being beautiful and she KNEW that. And she used her looks (her only real skill) to extract things from life. I’m sure it’ll expire soon with the way she drinks and smokes. Let’s see how her life pans out after 30. Her reluctant idol, Bettie Page went banana sandwich crazy and eventually faded into obscurity.

I made the relationship happen and I called its time as well. After close to a year of living with her I’d had enough and won the chess match between my brain and cock and told her to fuck off, packed what little I could and flew back to Jersey.

I returned with nowhere to live, no job and pretty beat up. This was two years ago. Too many things have taken place since, but nothing can alter my drive and my desire to make the most of my life. I have no regrets of that year in California, and it still stands as a point of pride for me. Something I made happen. Something I chose to eventually end.

Alex is on Twitter @AlexClarkCaprio


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Written by Alex Caprio

Alex Caprio

New Jersey, former musician and stand up comedian with a degree in English. He can also make a better eggplant parm than your Grandma. Follow him on Twitter @alexclarkcaprio.

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